This song feels very real to me. It's like the first verse is my very old life and the second verse is my current/slightly older life.

Maybe its cuz that kid at school killed himself but I've been thinking all night about suicide.

"Do you know what I mean when I say I don't wanna be alone?"

I don't think I would survive on my own. And that kinda sucks.

I feel like I have no prospects, no future. I know now that is a symptom of PTSD but that doen't really help me fix it.

"I have no feat of drowning. It's the breathing that's taking all this work." = my life in one sentance.

On the lighter side, I had a dream last night that my cat, Molly, who was named Peaches in the dream killed my old ferret Joey by breaking his neck. Then Joey died in my arms. Maybe that's not really a light side. Oh well.

So today I talked to one of my old friends that I hadn't talked to in years. It was really good just to touch base and know that there was another person out there who cared for me. To tell the truth, I really missed him. This person and I used to have late night conversations when we both should have probably been sleeping. I'm not sure if this person knows it or not but they saved my life on occasion. Just by being there and offering thier ears.

I think that's all anybody really wants. Just to have someone who really cares for them enough to really listen and pay attention to them and perhaps even offer some feedback.

I really miss having converstaoins with people and feelinig close to them. I used to just sit and talk to people for hours and now t seems like no one has the time anymore. And usually if they do I'm too nervous to talk. I don't know what it is but I just get so nervous around people. It's like I'm afraid of running out of things to say. Like that would be the end of the world if that happened.

In other news today, I got a new computer. It's so cute. (Everyone thinks so.) And it's so little. But I really need to get an external CD drive for it. It's that small that it doesn't have a CD drive. But it's okay I can get one for around 50 bucks.

I don't really have much else to say but my ride isn't coming for another half hour so I should really think of something productive to say and or do.

I'm should be working on my poem for Monday but I can't think  of anything good to write about. I was so pleased with last week's poem that now I have writers block. I thought about writing about my mother, or Margaret, or perhaps even a blannk piece of paper, but nothing seemed worth it. Maybe I should write about something that no one would think to write about. Like the letter 'q'. LOL I crack myself up sometimes.

Well I guess I should quit rambeling and let my computer be .It's running low on battery so I should probably get off of Xanga anyways. I don't even know if anyone will read this. If you do. Have a nice day.

Abi :)

So I don't know who read this anymore...probably my mother or my brother....maybe margaret and carlos. So I have a huge fan base to keep up with. Let see what have I been up to. Well the new year came without much to do. I'm looking forward to having break until the 20th. I want to get some reading done, reading that I actually want to do, before I get swamped with reading that I most likely DON'T want to do. Well. I don't have much else to say. I am just kinda wondering if people even read this.